Blog Posts

No turning back

Attachment. Are humans inevitably to feel attached to things? What happens when you do lose something that you thought you would never lose, and you feel nothing? Maybe just relief. Like lightning of a burden, like finally waking up and realising the answer to your problem was always there, was so simply, was just waiting to be seen.

we-heart-it-v9dkentbb-77387-467-700_large

I have always quite honestly found myself more attached to things and people to an almost unhealthy level.

That coffee mug I HAVE to have my morning cuppa every day

That one pen I carry with me for important work

That one pair of shoes I always have to wear on an important day

That one phone cover I have to use on every road trip

That one pair of socks I only wear when I’m competing

While it takes me a bit to get so attached and almosts superstitious to humans, in attempts to accept things the way they are, have on more than one occasion, reluctantly agreed that there might be some people, god forbid something happened to them I’d be too crushed. Some, I think most people say, ( I sometimes think they say it because of lack of anything else to say) people are lucky to find such constants but are they? I don’t just mean a romantic partner, I mean it could be anyone who effortlessly becomes a part of your daily life, until its time.

No, this not talking about how lucky it is to find people who comfort you, about people who make you feel at home, it is probably about realising that the things you think are good for you are probably the things that are poisoning you the most. You know it, you see it but you can’t bring yourself to quit it. Because if you did, what then? How would you know the world then? What would you do when there is no normalcy? But maybe ask yourself “ Did you not know things to be normal before?”.

large

No, this is not even about figuring out a way to cope with losing your favourite pen, not about self-loathing coz this morning you knocked your favourite mug over. I don’t know what it is about. Do you?

What happens when your favourite things and people fade away even before you notice? Is that when you are supposed to feel gutted? Or is it when you realise that you did not even notice they were gone? Or you had moved on?   I’m grateful for all the memories I made, but at some point, there are things that drain you of your energy even without you noticing, it probably has taken away more than what it gave you, leaving you so exhausted that the only thing you are left with is Anger. Anger that you feel raising at yourself because why did you waste your time? Why did you tell them?why did you have to pick a favourite? Couldn’t you just treat it all the same? You know you can use any goddamn pen you find! But even that feeling of anger washes away as quickly as it came, because well, don’t you have other things to do?  I guess it’s true when they say everything is replaceable and the best is always yet to come when you learn to walk away.  Only if everyone knew when to.

Well, I guess it’s just another valuable lesson you learn in your early 20’s. If you looked closely enough, there seems to be some sort of pretence to everything, everyone mimicking, trying, what else could one do? In the history of the world, I don’t  think it’s been said enough that the grass is always and will always be greener on the other side.

There are beautiful beginnings in every end..

Don’t shield yourself from picking favourites and loving them dearly, just know that you are enough to make things work out for yourself. You won’t give up coffee if your favourite mug broke right? You go find another mug which you will eventually come to like just as much. The anger that you feel will soon fade away, you can’t live in a different place even if you chose to, the smartest ones probably are those who accept this and get on with life, in search of new people, new experiences, new memories.

37c1f88ab31a16c79f4b49ea7c55f42a

Then if you thought about it a while longer, is this the downside of technology? How different would our lives be if we decided to move away and did not have the various social networking sites that hound us every minute of our daily lives? Then the town you left, the people you outgrew become just a part of your journey, just memories, just like the tooth you lost coz well, you need a new set growing up! They are not this luggage you heave along, how will that make space for new things?

Did you expect to find some sort of solution/conclusion by the end? same.

I only hope all of us find the courage to stay on their new paths a lil longer and not find ourselves weak and wanting to go back to comfort.

tumblr_njdcziV6XV1rw23e3o1_500

I need a new mug and a new pair of lucky socks!! I’ll probably win this race too because I’ve worked hard on it. Who knows? You do. For yourself. Replace or remove the things that drain you the slightest bit, you’ll have only yourself to thank!

 

Routine is not Rut?

The week’s been quite reflective. It seems to me, that every 20 something year old goes through a phase where they realise that there was always so much beauty in you, in me and in everything and for whatever reason we believe the lies that are fed to us, until one day you look at an old photograph  and wonder why you did not believe in yourself enough.

large

No, I’m not going to go off on a rant about self-love and self-appreciation, trying to convince you and me that you are beautiful, you always have been, it’s just been a week for me where invariably come to ask myself why I haven’t believed enough in myself, looking back, I only remember being really hard on myself, while I could have just relaxed and enjoyed every moment of being there. I know there is nothing I can do about it, nor do I want to dwell on it, just moving forward not be too hard on myself and appreciate everything about me. And I also wish everyone sees how amazing they are and learn to believe more in themselves.

Another idea I have been wondering for the longest time is the quiet often made statement that if one did the same activity consciously for 21 days, then it becomes a habit. Now I strongly believe that we humans are creatures of habit, but is it that simple to quit and un-quit? ( that is not even a word I know) I just feel exceptionally lazy to make any effort and before I completely fall off the wagon I want to get back up one way or another.

Starting 23rd March, for 21 days am gonna set 5 habits that I want to quit completely or adopt, these mostly are things that have been on my mind for a long time but I always slipped away making one excuse or another, and maybe like all fellow humans picked being comfortable rather than demolishing my goals.

tumblr_nficnuaYAD1taknieo1_400

This probably will keep me accountable and for weeks now I have been craving change.

I finally feel like I found something that is challenging enough, a job that is a struggle everyday and leaves little energy to think about anything that does not help me grow. AGAIN, this human heart did not stay satisfied for long. After longing for this exact productive, learning job, instead of sitting down and taking it easy, am already looking at what other sections of my life need changing. Apparently impulsively chopping off your hair will not satisfy that need but just remind of how very stupid you behave in haste and you will always remember to make hair cuts “well planned out -only if completely needed- events.”

Maybe this need for a change is just my brain screaming for rest, or MAYBE I need to accept that I am a terribly restless person, and there is very little that can tie me down for long. I want to keep it moving, falling, crawling, learning, just keep going, anything but get stuck in a rut. I love routine, but not the kind that makes you feel like you are stuck in a rut.

Do you believe that routine does not have to mean rut? And there is nothing unstable about wanting to keep moving, growing or constantly seeking change?

large

There is a weird sense of calm no words can describe, a calm that each has to find for themselves, a calm that makes you want to appreciate the chaos and the calm that gives you the courage to accept what was and go on to discover what more could be.

We fear change, we crave change and most times we don’t realise when it occurs.

For those times when you wake up yearning for something different, when you start wondering that there could be  more that you are capable of doing, more you are deserving of, when you realise that chopping off your hair and dyeing it a different shade is not enough ( I miss how such trivial things were so exciting and used to be perceived as life-changing LOL ) I hope you find the energy to go after what you want.

Here is  your mid-weekly reminder to follow your heart with conviction

 

Picture Wednesday

Week one

This week’s picture is of this beautiful canopy I found just outside my workplace.

It’s been a very slow week, constantly plagued by fear of not doing the right thing, fear of letting things get by and worst of all the fear of slipping back into the slump that I might just have crawled out.

Sitting under this just for a few minutes because I wasn’t quite sure what to do next made me realise how I am almost forgetting that the most simple things bring me joy.

In a city clogged with traffic, where there is barely anytime to soak in the beauty of a sunset or witness the miracle of a new dawn, this picture is my daily reminder to slow down.

Slow down and let things fall into place. Don’t let fear of your future and your past eat up your present.

Breathe. It’s a beautiful world only if you took the time to look closely. 

Chaos is Inherent…

You have everything under control until you don’t
Maybe life is not about having everything under control
While there is order in the madness what does one do when they feel compelled to have it all figured out?

We are all creatures of habit. Blessed with the ability to think but cursed with the need of heeding to what the heart wants.

They say nothing is over until you stop trying, and I know life isn’t all about the sunshine, but what do you do when you prefer to stay shivering in the rain for five minutes of sunshine, hoping just hoping that this time it would be different. why don’t we just stop hoping? When did we start hoping?

Everything is a joke. While anyone would love to believe that there is always someone who has your back, times change, people change and so do their priorities. What happens to those who are left behind? Who were not fast enough to catch the train out to the next town with all its enticing promises?

I’m not scared that I might have been left behind, rather scared that everyone feels the world caving in at one point in time but they have decided to go on. I fear I won’t be strong enough to do that.

I know I’ve missed the train out of this hell more than once. I know I’ve jumped out of it just as the train pulled out, because there was always hope, and in that moment a flicker was enough. Enough to make me forget the nights I cried myself to sleep, the ridiculous things I did to convince myself it would be different because I believed in that moment that that flicker was enough and everything would be okay.

Let-Go

But it never is. We are strange. Us humans.

We do what we do, we want what we want and there is no convincing, no reason, no logic to it.

Blinded much? Or do we find some sadistic pleasure in not getting a 100 percent for how much we are willing to give?

They say it takes courage to do it all over again, they say one fine day you won’t regret that you tried again, that you took another chance.But no tells you about when you will stop trying to look for the things you give from the ones for whom it was so easy to leave. Oh wait, were they ever there to have left?

Maybe this is all some sort of joke, a trap the weak get stuck in, or maybe it’s that class in the school of life you should never cut; everything you ever want will be found in you and while there will be so many people who will make you feel like things are okay, beware of falling into the trap of believing that nothing else could you make happier than them.

I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but isn’t it hard to not think about what just won’t work out, no matter how hard you try to focus on the brighter things? Well, that I think again is learning to fight through your bad days, knowing better than, and letting go of what has already been done.

let-go-or-be-dragged-advice-quote

Forgive yourself, you did not know better.

Remember what you would do differently

And let it go.

“All the gods, all the heavens, all the hells, are within you.”

Joseph Campbell

Bullet journaling and other experiments

Am not a new year new me person, but I sometimes am too reflective for my own good!

I love making lists, crossing things off them and maintaining a journal about whatever I feel like. This habit has more to do with my obsession with stationary and less to do with all the emotionally healthy benefits maintaining a journal should have.

The idea of maintaining a diary was imbibed at a young age by my mother who felt I was never an expressive child. Maybe growing up I have come to acknowledge that  I bottle up every damn thing eventually ending up in one BIG mess!

While I don’t think keeping one has helped me get any better at letting my emotions flow, I admit the only two diaries where I made honest entries were burnt using lighter liquid, its remains flung in the trash far away only because I happened to re- read things I had written and I thought it was really whiny and unnecessarily negative!

Anyway as I was getting back on track and needed a sure shot way of holding myself accountable, I came across the concept of bullet journaling. Some of the templates I saw were so so pretty I was just super eager to have a pretty book like that of my own! (AGAIN, stationary) Here’s a link to some beautiful ideas:

https://www.buzzfeed.com/nicolenguyen/genius-ways-you-can-customize-your-bullet-journal?utm_term=.jfp8XWklX#.bwAKP2YwP

I’m artistically challenged btw! As much as I’d love to paint beautiful landscapes and draw inspiration from Pinterest to doll up my living space. I absolutely am TERRIBLE at it! A former zoology student I have been asked to re-submit papers on multiple occasions not because I could not wrap my head around complex biological terms but because my sketches were nothing close to looking like human organs.

I once had to redraw a sunflower to clear my botany paper. I was 18 years then.Since that day I have stuck to things that I can do a decent job at and never attempted to try art! Anyway, stationary gets me super excited so along with getting back to keeping a diary I have tried to incorporate some bulletin ideas. Here’s a peek into what my March habit tracker looks like:

copy-of-file_000

It has been two months now and am going to follow a basic version of this because a tracker goes a long way and helps you find out where you have been slacking and how you can realistically overcome a roadblock. For example, I observed I tend to spend more during the weekends even if I home-cooked all my meals and avoided drinking.  A walk never is just a walk as I used to buy things I absolutely do not need just because I had the time to browse stores and had cash with me. Once I figured a pattern I stopped withdrawing cash, left my cards at home and carried with me only the bare minimum I might need in case of an emergency while I was out. A few weeks of following this, I tossed out all the extra trash I wasted cash on, and now don’t even get tempted to indulge in mindless things anymore. ( yay! Am not nearly broke and dying for payday or contemplating asking money at home by the end of the month)

Tracking my habits overall has given me a much more positivity about things, no matter how my day goes, as I look at the various charts and make an entry into my journal, it gives me hope. Hope that I can try again tomorrow and that it is never too late to start over.

You’ve only got to Start

Eight months ago, I moved to a city I never lived in not just armed with a degree in journalism, but also a severe back injury I wish I had paid more attention to back then.

While living in denial seems like the easiest thing to do, reality isn’t far behind and will be sure to knock you out before you comprehend what hit you. That’s exactly what happened, about a month into my “adulting” what i kept ignoring as sore muscles jolted me out of sleep at 3 am and I could move nothing but my upper body. Thinking back now, I’m not sure if it was fear that paralysed me or it was just the pain but what followed was a nightmare I am so glad to have been rescued from!

Negligence was threatening to turn an easily recoverable muscle tear into slip disc, am lucky to have been blessed with parents who don’t make hasty decisions, so several second opinions, ayurvedic sessions later,  I was on muscle relaxants and wasn’t allowed to workout till my back completely healed. Even though I cannot sit idle for more than 15 minutes and have to find some way to tire myself out, it seemed like a small price to pay compared to living the rest of your life thinking twice before doing anything!

Flash forward four months and like all those people living in cities complaining how difficult it is to maintain a healthy lifestyle I too, hidden behind my “injury” was barely making any decision that would help damage control till I was fit enough to start working out again.

All the time I would earlier otherwise spend going on walks, runs or swims were spent “catching up” with friends, eating out, and other vices that clearly do nothing but make things worse. Somewhere along the way, my back healed but my need to pop muscle relaxants did not stop.

It was so magical, any time of the day any slight discomfort and I’d be reaching into my bag for relief.  

Everything was great until I realised it was not. While attending my graduation ceremony, I realised I had left college with so many different images in my head, about how life was going to be now that I would be earning, about all the things I wanted to do because I finally would have the time to do. The Reality? I was heading in the opposite direction of everything I had imagined, and had no clue where I was headed!

Sure nobody knows what they want to do, or what life might throw at you but I was not okay physically, mentally and emotionally! While I knew no one is lucky to hit the pause button and reorganise, it isn’t that hard to try.

I’m easy to inspire, easily motivated but I also am lazy! Every time I find myself my laziness causing me my own doom, I magically seem to bounce out of it and all is well again! Not to push this too far, that evening I received my degree I realised I am running out of time, waiting and hoping for things to take their course was in no way going to get me where I wanted to be, so just like that, I started eliminating my vices one day at a time.

When you get super comfortable it is not easy to just walk out of the slob paradise you’ve been housing at, but it is worth everything once you have left that place far behind.

Well, a lot has happened since November 2016, but those are stories for another day, one of them also being the reason I’m restarting blogging, a habit I have tried and failed miserably to keep at over the last two years.

My take away from working on this post is START. We all have to start somewhere to see the change we want to see in our lives, and this is my way of reassuring myself that it isn’t to let. My following posts would bring things up to speed about all the wonderful things that have been taking shape cause i have been trying one day at a time!!