You have everything under control until you don’t
Maybe life is not about having everything under control
While there is order in the madness what does one do when they feel compelled to have it all figured out?
We are all creatures of habit. Blessed with the ability to think but cursed with the need of heeding to what the heart wants.
They say nothing is over until you stop trying, and I know life isn’t all about the sunshine, but what do you do when you prefer to stay shivering in the rain for five minutes of sunshine, hoping just hoping that this time it would be different. why don’t we just stop hoping? When did we start hoping?
Everything is a joke. While anyone would love to believe that there is always someone who has your back, times change, people change and so do their priorities. What happens to those who are left behind? Who were not fast enough to catch the train out to the next town with all its enticing promises?
I’m not scared that I might have been left behind, rather scared that everyone feels the world caving in at one point in time but they have decided to go on. I fear I won’t be strong enough to do that.
I know I’ve missed the train out of this hell more than once. I know I’ve jumped out of it just as the train pulled out, because there was always hope, and in that moment a flicker was enough. Enough to make me forget the nights I cried myself to sleep, the ridiculous things I did to convince myself it would be different because I believed in that moment that that flicker was enough and everything would be okay.
But it never is. We are strange. Us humans.
We do what we do, we want what we want and there is no convincing, no reason, no logic to it.
Blinded much? Or do we find some sadistic pleasure in not getting a 100 percent for how much we are willing to give?
They say it takes courage to do it all over again, they say one fine day you won’t regret that you tried again, that you took another chance.But no tells you about when you will stop trying to look for the things you give from the ones for whom it was so easy to leave. Oh wait, were they ever there to have left?
Maybe this is all some sort of joke, a trap the weak get stuck in, or maybe it’s that class in the school of life you should never cut; everything you ever want will be found in you and while there will be so many people who will make you feel like things are okay, beware of falling into the trap of believing that nothing else could you make happier than them.
I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but isn’t it hard to not think about what just won’t work out, no matter how hard you try to focus on the brighter things? Well, that I think again is learning to fight through your bad days, knowing better than, and letting go of what has already been done.
Forgive yourself, you did not know better.
Remember what you would do differently
And let it go.
“All the gods, all the heavens, all the hells, are within you.”