Note to self- Hey you!

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The hardest part is to start?  After days of trying to streamline what my next post should be about, I’m just going to plunge right into it. No carefully chosen topic, no planning or scheduling because this is not a post am making for my blog to grow, am writing this because the world is stepping into a new year in less than a week,and for some reason whenever something begins or ends I have to write, it’s like I can’t stop something from bothering me if I don’t put it down in words. So here goes…

2016 has been a painstakingly beautiful lesson. I can’t really draw the line between 2015 and 2016 because there is not much I can remember about how one made way to another and here I am six days before 2017. while I am living the end, the middle seems like a blur I definitely can remember the beginning.

Around the same time two year ago, I was so bored with how perfectly peaceful life was, everything seemed set in stone. I woke up the same time, did the same thing at the same time, my homework was done, if i went out even to get an ice cream I knew I was going to the same place I have always gone, and have the same ice cream I have always had from the time I was old enough to order my own cone. Was there comfort in familiarity? Why did routine change to rut? That is something I have not thought about and most certainly don’t want to. I think and over-think a lot. I don’t want to spend my energy dwelling on two years ago, I’m trying to get the last two years out of my system quiet desperately.

So by the end of 2014, I was pretty much done with routine or rather playing safe, I wanted to try things I had never done, and just see how things went. Although I was never a “new year new me” person, I made one resolution; to try everything I had never done before. Well the things I did range from trying a new flavor of ice cream for the first time to landing myself in situations I would have never imagined being in ever! Well, never say never I guess.

The past two years have been a blur. I’m still not sure if I’d like to remember it down to the detail or just carry on remembering the lessons it brought with it. I colored my hair, wore clothes I never liked, developed a liking for make up, discovered lying and living with lies is not so difficult.It also made me realize what a terrible person I or any human is capable of being. I went to beautiful places, saw amazing things, made friends, lost even more of them, I was reckless and even reached a point where I was making more mess for myself but was so weighed down and toughened by everything, I did not really care. I still don’t know if it was being tough or I’d just become ignorant and too caught up living in denial. while there is nothing I can do to change what happened, I don’t quiet really want to change my  decisions, maybe be just  have a clearer set of priorities from now on, that probably is something I need some more time to figure out.

But most important of all, someday when I won’t cringe at a flashback of how stupid I was, I am going to thank these times and the people who were a part of it for introducing me to a whole new world I thought I’d never be a part of. Growing up, somewhere along the way I neatly tucked away everything that required a human response and made my life about perfectly done assignments, timely done projects, winning every debate, the solution finder, the person who’d get any job done. Maybe that’s what boarding does to you, you are away from home, you can’t afford to miss home, why would you seek comfort in people then? Chase goals instead, spend all the time on your watch preparing, planning, practicing, because the world does not belong to people who spend time nursing their emotions.

But nobody told us that the secret lies in finding a balance between all things either.

So I realized, I was capable of so much more that I had no control over. So much anger resentment, greed, anxiety, fear,so much happiness ( mostly leads to one stupid act after another), lying, denying, so much hurt, pain and also  much more love and forgiveness. This whirlwind of emotions, had turned me into a person I no longer recognized and all I kept telling myself was this is not who I am or who I used to be. I’ve felt things with so much intensity that it only scared me if anything else, but with time as I learnt to step back and let go , let go of the need to not be a mess, let go of the need to not fix something, let go of the need to be in control. I learnt am a super sensitive person, but I also learnt not to apologize for being one.

There is roughly about 32 hours left for the New Year to roll in, and I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve trashed this piece but have cooled off and eventually come back to wanting to finish it. I think if anything this phase of my life has been a constant struggle between giving up and not wanting to give up. What am I missing the most?;peace of mind.  Its not people, its not place its not even myself that I miss. Somewhere along the way of discovery and getting by life, I’ve forgotten how important it is to be at rest,  how important it is to be at peace with yourself.

While am not super excited about the New Year’s like the past, am super grateful for making it to another year. To even think about escaping physically unhurt from all the ridiculously dangerous situations I put myself in, am so so grateful I made it out healthy and without permanent repercussions. And of course, the determination to never do anything half as stupid as I did no matter how upset I am, how happy I am or how much I trust those around me. Trust only yourself btw!

while I started writing I thought I ‘d be able to streamline this post a bit, clearly haven’t gotten there yet. I want to write about all the little things people did to help me get through this year, I want to rant about how tired I am of trying to get things right and undo my mistakes, I want to tell others that it’ll be okay, I want to tell myself that I’ll be fine. But I don’t know where to start or where to end. I want to tell myself I regret wasting my time and energy on people and situations, i also want to tell myself I don’t regret it because I know I did not, and I know that back at that time it was all worth it. My frustration and doubts probably stem from how uncertain everything seems right now, the fear of losing what once got you comfort but I also know it won’t matter soon. All I need and hope to find is the strength and courage to go on and not look back. To not seek comfort in familiarity but to find myself collected again.

There is probably some sort of beauty in this chaos that I will smile about looking back. All I want to do as I let go of this year  is for me to find the courage to actually let go of everything, my mistakes, my anger, the bitterness. I don’t want forgiveness, i want to be able to let everything go, tuck away all the good memories and start off where I know I left myself behind two years ago.

As I step into a 23rd New Year in my life, NAH, i won’t be counting down at a fancy party like most of my peers, ( I do like parties, but hate the overrated New year, Valentine’s Day sorta things) I’ll probably be without mobile network on a hill in a tiny hill station but i’ll most definitely be having chocolate ice cream and now since I’ve experimented with other flavors I’ll know there is nothing I am missing out on. I won’t fear sticking to a routine, I won’t second guess or be obliged into doing anything uncomfortable because I need to be less “stuck up” need to “loosen up” or “try” to please anyone. NOPE! I’ll pass.

2016 ( oh 2015, best yeaaaar may be idk ever coz soooooo much happened) but yeah, you both have been a painstakingly beautiful lesson. Thank you, let me keep the good, forget the bad and let go of the bitterness. I liked myself better when I was excited about helium balloons, sunset at the beach and early morning walks. Let me go and am sorry I strayed.

To new beginnings and amazing lessons learnt and to great things yet to happen. Believe in the beauty of miracles and never stop trying.

30th December, 2016.

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